Family Changes after One Year at School — The Student as Child and Adult

By Bethenee Engelsvold, Director of Community Life, Northwest University

Over the past school year, you’ve finally gotten used to one less dinner setting. You rarely stop at the door of the empty room upstairs to reminisce. Adjusting while your student was at college meant more than sending care packages and paying bigger bills: you adjusted to the emotional separation in a significant step of your child’s journey to adulthood. It can be difficult to step aside as primary protector and caregiver to empower your child’s adulthood and increasing independence. Most parents felt love’s double-edged sword as they waved goodbye to a departing college student, wobbly smiles firmly in place, precious memories stowed in the heart to linger over later.

Now your student is back home with more boxes than they took to school, (hair-raising) stories to tell, hopefully a summer job to go to and……an attitude. Junior seems to return more, not less, difficult, casting a well-placed crimp into your established routines.

Too true? Consider that while you made difficult adjustments—so did your college student. He or she slowly assumed control of life’s daily details. What they do, how and when, who to see, what and how much to buy, how to handle conflict, when to seek help…. your fledgling adult has been learning much… with some success so far.

After a year away, coming home can be challenging for a student unaccustomed to having a parent pass judgment on their decisions. Your student is no longer gives you all the details of their lives. Facing the reality of your child’s newly forged independence this summer can be challenging for you, particularly if you found adjusting to their absence difficult and have anticipated the return of a much-loved child.

A few tips can help keep homecomings happy for everyone:

First, remember that healthy, loving relationships change and grow when we do. Thank God for your child’s successful growth and healthy development so far, and ask Him for parental wisdom so your relationship grows with your child.

Consider being proactive. When your student arrives home, go out to dinner and ask them how it feels to come home. Talk about potential adjustments on both sides, and be willing to negotiate when issues arise.

Suggest rather than pressure. Most college students respond favorably to insightful questions rather than direct commands. If the issue is not vital to your student’s wellbeing, reconsider weighing in too heavily. Most of us learn as much from our mistakes as from good choices.

Finally, after you and your student agree they’re a young adult—stick to your guns. It is easy to slip backwards into outmoded ways that don’t help our young adults continue to grow. Cook their favorite meals and wash their laundry…sometimes. They may need to borrow the car….sometimes. But in their new, more independent role, ask how they can contribute. Freedom brings responsibility. Give your college student both.

Your young adult is still developing during the next important years. Ask God for grace to model flexibility, wisdom, patience, and love that weathers every challenge. You are still your child’s greatest example. Tomorrow’s always knocking on our doors….back-to-school comes soon enough.