Dealing with Unavoidable Suffering

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"We, the people of Northwest University, carry the call of God by continually building a learning community…." 

This is our mission statement. NU is a group of people who are involved and passionate about each other's lives. Our students function in community; our faculty function in community, and our staff function in community. Suddenly, within a week, we were told to stop operating in community. Now, classrooms echo with the sound of empty chairs as faculty teach online. Residence halls are vacant; the rooms once filled with laughter and memories now collecting dust without students bustling in the hallways. Desks normally occupied by welcoming staff are eerily organized and quiet as people transition to workstations at home. It is unbelievably difficult for us, the people of Northwest University, to be so disconnected from the community we love.

We need to guard against anxiety, fear, and depression during these times of social isolation. I have been in self-quarantine for 14 days since being exposed to someone with COVID-19. I feel fortunate to be able to work from home and connect with people over zoom and tele-mental-health platforms, but I have stayed physically distant from my husband and children, giving foot bumps and air hugs, staying 6 feet apart when we see each other. It feels awful, and I crave the comfort of human touch that, I must confess, I have taken for granted.

The psychologist in me hearkens back to the great psychiatrist, Victor Frankl. Frankl was imprisoned in Nazi concentration camps for three years, including Auschwitz. By the end of the war, his pregnant wife, parents, and brother had all been murdered. Only he and his sister remained alive. After the war, he published his seminal work, Man's Search for Meaning. I have often quoted Frankl to my therapy patients, but never have his words about coping with unavoidable suffering been more personally meaningful to me than now. Here is what he wrote way back in 1946.

We can discover this meaning of life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.

We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation or a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation--just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer--we are challenged to change ourselves...  (bold type added) (Frankl, pp.111-115)

We are living in a time of unavoidable suffering and uncertainty. Our challenge is to find meaning amidst these circumstances. As Richard Dahlstrom of Bethany Community Church in Seattle stated in a recent online sermon, we are confronted with a loss of the illusion of control and becoming aware that we never really had the control that we thought that we did. Yet one thing remains constant, and that is the love of God for us and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

This is one of my favorite verses, and I decided to focus on hope. As I have prayed for wisdom during this crisis, this is what came to me.

HOPE – H for Holy Spirit, O for Opportunity, P for Prayer, and E for Encourage Others. What follows are brief thoughts about each of these four areas and then a list of practical skills to help you navigate this time of quarantine and isolation from family, friends, students, and colleagues.

H – Holy Spirit. 

In Iceland, there is only a down comforter on the bed. No top sheet, no blankets. The comforter is soft, snuggly, and immediately warms the body to a perfect temperature. On a king bed, there are two comforters- each person has one of their own – an individual cocoon that feels gentle and secure. Those of us who know Jesus have a comforter who covers us like a blanket and is with us always– the Holy Spirit. 

Remember that the Holy Spirit is not in quarantine and will be with you now and always.

25 These things have I spoken unto you, while yet abiding with you. 26 But the [a]Comforter, even the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said unto you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful. (John 14:25-27)

• Skill #1– Spend 5 minutes early in the day, asking the Holy Spirit to be present. Feel the Spirit move within you and allow the Holy Spirit to be your comforter –wrap yourself in the Spirit's presence as though surrounding yourself with a soft, down bed covering. Know that the Holy Spirit promises to be with us always – during good times and bad even if we cannot feel the Spirit's presence.
• Skill #2 – Every night before you go to sleep, ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you as you sleep – to give you peace and rest, and to calm your soul.
• Skill #3 – Ask the Holy Spirit to help you make meaning out of the unavoidable suffering you are experiencing. It may be loneliness, or financial hardship, or loss of dreams, or worry about a sick friend or relative. No matter what it is, ask the Holy Spirit for comfort, wisdom, and a way to find meaning during this time. Frankl found that the people who survived the terrors of the concentration camps in WWII were those who refused to give up hope by finding meaning in their experience and had a vision for the future. We must do this as well.

O – Opportunity

The drastic and sudden lifestyle changes brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic are an opportunity. We can waste the extra time that we have with Netflix, social media, TV, or other distractions, or can use this time as an opportunity for reflection and growth. The writers of the Bible repeat the theme that difficulties in our lives are opportunities to grow and develop character. In addition, Ephesians 4:27 warns us not to provide an opportunity for the devil to lead us into temptations that are not loving for ourselves or others. We are more vulnerable during times like these to entertain such temptations.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5: 1-4)

• Skill #4 – Establish a new routine. Get up at a regular time, get dressed, eat regular meals, work and exercise. These things continue to be necessary for good physical and mental health. Students need to plan time to study as faculty adapt classes to an online format. Administrators and staff continue to have meetings, so they need designated time to work so that answering e-mails does not become a 24/7 task. Some suggest taking e-mails off of the phone. I could use some help in this area. Working at home makes it even harder for me to maintain a clear boundary between work and relaxation.
• Skill #5 - There is an old saying, "An idle mind is the devil's playground." – It is essential to fill your mind with good things.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8) 

We all are vulnerable to temptation. Each of us has an Achilles heel. During this time of isolation and uncertainty, guard your mind against the temptation to revert to self-destructive ways of coping. These temptations will start as thoughts, but a thought is just a thought and does not become a problem unless you convert it into action. Rather than directly confronting the thought, use these techniques from ACT therapy. Imagine the thought floating away on a cloud or floating down a river on a leaf – moving away from you. Let it go.

• Skill #6 – Create a new exercise routine. Being at home does not mean you cannot continue to stay fit. You have an opportunity to try new types of exercise. Many small businesses are finding creative ways to continue to provide online fitness classes. Here are two that I have enjoyed put on by local small businesses, online barre classes by Barre Rev (https://www.barrerev.com/), and online ballet classes by Creation Dance Studio (https://www.creationdancestudio.com/). Because these are in the privacy of your home, with video turned off, no one can see you, so you can try something like this without fear of being judged if it is something you have not done before. 
• Skill #7 – Resurrect an old hobby. This is a time to dig out the wood carving tools, the gardening equipment, the jewelry beads, the knitting needles, the camera, the sewing machine. With plenty of online tutorials, there is an opportunity to learn a new craft or pastime. A friend of mine is learning to sew with a machine for the first time so that she can make face masks. Hospitals will take them and then sterilize them for emergency use during this shortage. https://www.forbes.com/sites/tjmccue/2020/03/20/calling-all-people-who-sew-and-make-you-can-help-solve-2020-n95-type-mask-shortage/#55a2c6c74e41
• Skill #8 - Reach out to relatives or friends that you have not seen for a long time. Suggest a zoom call to connect. During times like these, we realize that life is short, and the opportunity to talk to significant people from our past or who live far away is so meaningful.
• Skill #9 – Monitor your eating and activity patterns for a day. Note which of your typical coping behaviors have been eliminated due to the isolation. It is crucial to fill the void with new, healthy ones. This is a time when it would be easy to fall into destructive patterns such as overeating. Speaking of overeating, we can learn from what happened in China. Despite limitations on activity, food remained plentiful with the consequence that most people in China have gained weight. Recognizing that this is a hazard of these times may require taking conscious steps to eat healthily and stay fit.
• Skill #10 –Journal about your feelings. Take an empty notebook or just some plain paper and write a little every day. Processing emotions is essential when under stress and helps with loneliness. There will be ups and downs. Times of despair and times of optimism. There is something about writing about our emotions that allows us to process them and release them.
• Skill #11 – Take this opportunity to understand the complexity of emotions. Understand that it is possible to feel multiple emotions at the same time. For example, one can feel angry about the restrictions on our freedom, compassion for the people who are sick, afraid of getting sick oneself, and grateful to be alive all at the same time. We tend to think we can only feel one thing about COVID-19 and how it is affecting our lives. That is not true. We can feel love and anger at the same time.  
• Skill #12 – Consider this season as an opportunity to increase your self-awareness and then explain what you have learned to the people you are living with, so they understand your reactions. For example, I will share my own experience with this. With each layer of restriction announced by the governor, I adjusted and just got used to it every time a new one was decreed. My immediate reaction to the latest pronouncement was to get agitated, a little scared, and wanting support, so how did I express this? I lashed out at a family member, usually my husband. Needless to say, he was less than supportive. I am surprised by responding to the stress in this way, but now that I understand it, I will explain it to my family. I hope they can be patient with me and see my lashing out as an indicator light that I am deeply troubled by something.

P - Prayer 

Prayer is our source of power, peace, and connection to God.  

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds[a] in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

• Skill #13 – Calm your body and mind before praying. Here is a link to one of the many Christian mediation apps. An app is not necessary for calming, but diaphragmatic breathing is. Instructions can be found here. Diaphragmatic breathing is very effective in reducing anxiety. Start by setting the timer on your phone for 1 minute. Then, sit with your feet on the ground or lay flat. Breathe like this. Inhale through your nose for four counts, hold your breath for 1-2 counts, and then exhale through your mouth for five counts. While breathing, only think about your breath, the ground beneath you, the sounds that you hear, and the presence of God. If another thought comes in (which it will), push the thought away, and refocus on your breathing. At first, try to do this exercise for 1 minute twice a day. Experts recommend working up to 3 minutes three times a day for anxiety reduction. If you have a hard time falling asleep or wake up in the night feeling anxious, try diaphragmatic breathing. I have found that breathing like this helps me fall asleep when I am worried or stressed.
• Skill #14 – Pray for Others. In his recent sermon, Richard Dahlstrom also mentioned that he sets a timer for 6 minutes every day and dedicates this time to praying for others. I recommend creating a Ritual of Prayer that will work for you. Some people prefer to pray while in motion, identifying an activity during which they will pray. For example, this could be when you are taking a shower, when you are taking a walk, when you are washing dishes, or when you are cooking dinner. There is so much need in the world today; there can never be enough prayers.
• Skill #15 – Commit to pray for a particular person, country, state, or leader each day of the week or one week at a time. Put a reminder on your phone, so you don't forget. It can feel overwhelming to have to pray for all who are in need – the list is endless, so taking it a little at a time makes it doable.
• Skill #16 – Pray for Northwest University. Our leaders need wisdom. Pray for protection for our administrators, faculty, students, and staff. Pray for our financial well-being and that God will provide for us. Pray for those in the Wellness Center and NUhope Community Counseling Center who continue to provide counseling using tele-mental-health services.

E – Encourage Others

During these times, when it is easy to be consumed with fear and focus on loss, one of the best things we can do is think of creative ways to encourage or help other people. Happiness and mental well-being are closely linked to volunteering and doing things for others. I have training in disaster mental health. During this training, I learned that first responders noticed that people who have a job to do to help others survive disasters such as earthquakes, tsunamis, or pandemics experience fewer symptoms of post-traumatic stress. It does not matter if it is a big job (medical interventions) or small (reading books to children); doing something to help is what matters. Our mission statement at NU includes empowered engagement with human need. What an opportunity we have right now to engage with need. Not only will it help others, but it will help us survive this traumatic time. Ask God to show you how you can encourage others from your home.

9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (I Thessalonians 5: 9 – 11)

This is more challenging since we are isolated, but we can be creative. Some suggestions are listed below. It does not matter how big or small; find a way to help or encourage others during this time. Since God has called us to be encouragers, ask Him to guide you, and inspire you with ways to encourage the people He has brought into your life.  

• Skill #17 – Send text messages of encouragement every day. Let your friends and family know you are thinking of them.
• Skill #18 – Set up zoom gatherings with family and friends. It is always good to see the face of someone you love, to hear their voices, and to laugh together.  
• Skill #19 – Support small businesses by buying gift cards or ordering take out food. Surprising a friend with a gift card is a great way to contribute. One of my daughters has started doing giveaways on Instagram to support her favorite local businesses.
• Skill #20 – Send an e-card or favorite Bible verses to cheer someone up who is alone.
• Skill #21 – Remember the value of humor. Send funny stories, video clips, memes, or tweets. Laughter is said to be the best medicine.
• Skill #22 – Limit the time you spend listening to the news. It is recommended to turn off all news sources at least an hour before going to bed. Resist the temptation to share links to news stories about COVID-19. Support each other in minimizing focus on the virus.

"We, the people of Northwest University, carry the call of God by continually building a learning community dedicated to spiritual vitality, academic excellence, and empowered engagement with human need."

This is the complete Northwest University mission statement. Note that it ends with "empowered engagement with human need." This is our time to live out this part of our mission. The human need has never been any greater in our lifetimes. Ask God to show you how you can engage and help our NU community and the world around us. We have HOPE because we have each other.

If you are missing NU, you can watch Insta Chapel and stay connected to your community. Most churches have libraries of sermons and live streaming every Sunday so you can stay connected to the body of Christ. Remember that the Holy Spirit is not in quarantine. The Spirit weaves its way in and out of our hearts and homes and will not leave you during this time of uncertainty. Feel it, believe it.

 

If you are not in crisis, but would like to process feelings of depression, anxiety, or grief, or are concerned that you are not coping well, please reach out to the following resources:

NU Resources

• Undergraduate students: The Wellness Center
• All others: NUhope Community Counseling Center www.northwestu.edu/nuhope or 425-889-5294

OR

• Psychology Today Directory of Therapists www.psychologytoday.com

If you find yourself feeling very alone and experiencing depression, anxiety, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the following resources:

Crisis Connections

• This 24 hour, toll-free telephone hotline provides immediate, confidential assistance to people in distress in the King County area. Call 1-866-4-CRISIS (1-866-427-4747) or 206-461-3222.

Washington state:

• Washington 211: free referral and informational helpline that connects people to health and human services, available 24/7
• Call 211
• 211 also has a database of resources, with searches including crisis-intervention hotlines, outpatient substance abuse treatment, and general counseling services
• Washington Recovery Helpline: 24-hour crisis-intervention and referral assistance for substance abuse, mental health, and gambling
• Call 866-789-1511
• Volunteers of America/Crisis Response Services (Everett): 24-hour emotional support to people in crisis and/or considering suicide
• Call 800-584-3578 or chat online
• Crisis Clinic of the Peninsulas (Bremerton): over-the-phone crisis intervention, information referral and a supportive listening ear to people in our community who are experiencing situational distress
• Call 360-479-3033

National:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: This national network of local crisis centers provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• Call 800-273-TALK or chat online
• Para información en español: 1-888-628-9454
• Crisis Text Line: free, 24/7 support for those in crisis
• Text 741741 to text with a trained crisis counselor
• Veterans Crisis Line: a free, confidential resource that's available to anyone, even if you're not registered with VA or enrolled in VA health care
• Call 800-273-8255 press 1, text 838255, or chat online